The "Undercurrent" Of Our Life...

As promised... a tribute to Ali and the amazing progress of the past year. However, in an effort to not "outdo" her birthday - it is posted without photos, and backdated before her birthday. I don't want anything to overshadow her big day! Please read on, with the warning that this is quite lengthy (even after many edits)... and also that nothing that can be written here can quite relay how incredibly proud we are of Ali! She is an amazing and precious little girl. I hope that you - like us - find yet another reason to be enchanted with her. She is a precious gift - and we are so blessed to have her in our life.

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There are many wonderful blogs that I love to follow... and you can find a list of some, but not all of them, on the right of this page. I am entertained, inspired, challenged, and often times brought to tears.


On one of my favorite blogs, there was a post by Angel a while back (mmmmm, like JULY)... to keep things real on her blog... and to challenge others out there reading to do the same. I loved that post. I know that for many of us it is easy to write about all the FUN STUFF that the family is doing... and we gloss over the days in order to make it all as upbeat, entertaining, and let's face it - “as pretty as possible”. I am as guilty as anyone. But life is hard. It's not always sunshine and roses... and I think that it is much more uplifting to read about people that say – “HEY, things are tough, but we are getting through it.” So here... after much thought, prayer and the (somewhat reluctant) support of my husband... is as real a post as you will ever get from me. I have waivered back and forth about this... and yet even again today I am reminded that being open is so much easier and healthier than trying to "hide" the reality that you live. (Sorry Angel, that it took me so long.)


First... you should know, that I had my life all planned out. Things never really turn out the way WE plan, though. That's the rub! For us... it is such a frustration. If only we could always remember that God is in control.


Our journey to parenthood began with plans, ideas, hopes, dreams... I'm sure just the same as many other people. However, our journey also began with a Home Study, background checks, fingerprinting and US Immigration forms. We attended seminars, read books – LOTS of books. I read them all. The easy ones, the hard ones... I read more getting ready to bring home our girls than I read my entire High School/College career. I had one person tell me that the books were too difficult to read, and that they focused on the negative and not the positive. I'm sure that she was right – but I have always preferred to be prepared rather than surprised, so I continued to read. I journaled as well. I journaled about my hopes, dreams, anticipations, plans and my frustrations as we were waiting for the girls to come home. And then... once the girls came home – I journaled about that, too.
I don't have those journals anymore. I can't decide if I am glad that I don't, or if I regret burning them. However, at the time it seemed like the right thing to do.


As any new mother – I was excited, nervous and elated all at the same time. I have written a little about the details of how the girls came into our life before on this blog. If you have the time to read it... it might help explain a little.


Despite all our good intentions, our reading and preparation... there is nothing that could have prepared us for the way that things unfolded. Basically, for the reality that we were enduring. But still... I continued to read. I bought every book I could find about attachment and bonding and visited every web-site to learn about grieving in children, as well as sleep disorders. I talked to Pediatricians, therapists, social workers, and other moms: adoptive and otherwise. We tried holding time, time out and time in. We tried to “Ferberize” our child with Dr. Ferber's sleep techniques. We tried behavior modification and rewards, setting limits and attachment parenting. We spent just about every week in the psychologists office, attended seminars, drove to Cincinnati for Attachment Therapy... we tried it all. While there was often some temporary relief... we still could not seem to find a solution.


Still, I continued to read. I sometimes wish I had some of the money back that I spent on books, counselors, therapists, video seminars, and and web based seminars. (But that's another story...) The more I tried to find help, the more frustrated I became. I still cannot believe how difficult that part of this journey was.


It wasn't until after Sara came home in April of this year, as I continued to make calls each week searching for someone to help us... that we finally began to make some progress. Progress to help us as a family, and to help us help our daughter. It has been a slow and steady process – but a welcomed relief.


With this new help... I am reading even more – but now the books that I read say things like this:
“Parents tell us extraordinary stories about their children with bipolar disorder (BD). To many people, these stories might sound like exaggerations or even fantasies, but these are real life experiences. Children with BD are different from other children and the differences are often apparent early, some even from birth. They can show precocious and unusual talents mixed with developmental delays, or deficits, and overall uneven functioning.


Most of the children described in this book are unable to modulate their emotions. They are more sensible than most kids are, and are more reactive. From an early age, children with BD can be very easily upset, difficult to soothe, and inconsolable. They do not follow rules, or daily routines, and they're irritable, demanding, and have severe tantrums. As a parent seeking help for your child, you may feel you've failed, or haven't been a “good enough” parent. Meanwhile, relatives, teachers, and/or doctors may think your reports are exaggerated, or they may blame you for your child's behavior. For many of you, life at home is a secret, solitary, and painful struggle, until effective treatment brings hope.”
Introduction of Parenting a Bipolar Child
by Gianni Faedda M.D. and Nancy B. Austin PSY.D


I read this introduction and it rocked me to my core. I can totally relate to the fact that the more we could not figure out how to help our daughter... the smaller we had to make our world. People do not understand. They judge, they criticize, they blame and they “discuss”...they shake their heads and glare... they “tsk-tsk”... and my personal favorite...they truly believe that given the chance, they could parent your child better than you ever could.


Things like this could make you angry... or upset, or hurt. But honestly, when living with this disorder... you just don't have the extra energy that it takes to be angry or upset. And truly, these are people I cannot be angry with or upset...they are simply uninformed. Instead I feel sadness that rather than trying to help, people are so quick to pass judgment. Again... like everything about BiPolar Disorder – or Manic Depressive Illness which is the older term, and the one that our doctor prefers... it's a huge learning curve. The more people that I find to talk to – the more I find that this is the norm. The more I learn about Manic Depressive Illness – the more I am able to understand why some people don't “get” it. Another book I read says:


“Later I learned that children and adolescents diagnosed with mental illnesses or disorders often keep up a false front with nearly everyone but their mothers or primary caretakers, as if they subconsciously know they'll be safe with that person no matter what they do.”
“Mommy I'm Still In Here”
- Kate McLaughlin


Yes, there are many uninformed people out there. And this is the reason for me finally posting about this part of our life now. I actually heard this term used again this morning at church by one of our youth, describing a "spirited" 10 year old child. It is used more often than not as a catch-all for all negative or erratic behavior. I know this. I have been guilty of it in the past myself. So you can't really blame people, or be upset with them. They just don't know. They aren't educated. You hear people use the term "BiPolar" in many negative and cruel ways. They simply label people or pigeon hole their behaviors as "They are so BiPolar", or "She is crazy... just having another one of her BiPolar moments." How do I think of Manic Drepssive Disorder? Manic Depression or BiPolar Disorder is somewhat like grapes. There are many different kinds of grapes... in several colors... some seedless, some not. You can't just say..."grapes". So I would like to open the door (a little) into our life... and maybe help shed some light on what Manic Depressive Illness can "look" like. If there is the possibility that it might help even one person... it is all worth it.


So this is as real as it gets. This is our life – and my real post about our life . Why would I feel compelled to share this much personal information? There are several reasons...but the primary reason is for our daughter Ali, who has suffered long enough.


I don't ever want Ali to be ashamed of this illness. Whether is is truly Manic Depressive Illness/BiPolar Disorder or a myriad of other chemical imbalances possible... we do know for a fact that there is a very real issue - and one that she will have to deal with for the rest of her life. There is such a stigma attached to all mental illnesses. So, I want her to understand. Therefore, we as a family, do not want to hide her illness. (By hiding her illness – we would be saying that there is something for her to be ashamed of- or that we are ashamed of her. She has nothing to be ashamed of.) Ali is an incredibly sweet, sensitive and loving child. Manic Depression is only a small part of her life. But just as someone who has Diabetes or High Blood Pressure, her activities, medications and her condition must be monitored daily, and will need to be for the rest of her life.


There are unbelievable statistics that people with Manic Depressive Illness decide that they are “OK” and quit taking their medication. This can be very, very dangerous. (Not only the return or increase of side-effects, but some medications are such that you must be weaned off of them.)


Statistics also state that 66% of all people that are Manic Depressive attempt suicide. 33% are successful. Those are very real, very terrifying statistics. This is a serious illness. We have to take it very seriously.


Managing BiPolar Disorder/Manic Depressive Illness is a lifetime effort. However, Mental Health professionals say that BiPolar Disorder is one of the most treatable mental illnesses – and new medication and breakthroughs are (hopefully) just around the corner.


This is our life – and it is difficult, at best. At times I feel like we are spinning plates/juggling. We have spent many years “walking on eggshells” not wanting to upset the delicate balance and set off a chain reaction. We still keep a very tight reign on our activities – too much “fun” stimulation can bring on an episode just as easily as a big “let down”. However, our reality is that we have a child with very specific special needs. I never want to portray that we are a perfect family... but we are certainly doing everything that we can.


Additionally, another reason to share our story with others is to right a wrong path that we initially set our family on. It is time for us to “broaden” our world. And in doing so – we need to explain the “smallness” of our life, and why we have felt the need to protect so many people. Mostly we have protected Ali, from the judgment of others. We have also protected our other children as much as we could, from the rages and anger... and finally we have tried to protect those around us from seeing something that is difficult, at best – and extremely disturbing when it is really out of control.


The last reason to share our story now is to offer information and support to those out there that might be experiencing something similar – or that would like to know where they can learn more about BD/Manic Depressive Illness.


The following resources have been wonderful for us:
Bipolar Children http://www.bpkids.com/
The Juvenile Bipolar Research Foundation http://www.jbrf.org/
Bipolar Significant Others http://www.bpso.org/
The Bipolar Child Website http://www.bipolarchild.com/
National Institute of Mental Health http://www.nimh.nih.gov/


As well as the following books:
The Bipolar Child by D.F. and J. Papolos
An Unquiet Mind by Katherine Redfield Jamison
His Bright Light by Danielle Steele (an autobiography of her son's life)
Mommy I'm Still In Here by Kate McLaughlin
Manic by Terri Cheney
The Ups and Downs of Raising a Bipolar Child by Lederman and Fink
Parenting a Bipolar Child by Faedda and Austin
72 Hour Hold by Bebe Moore Campbell (a novel)
Cage's Bend by Carter Coleman (a novel)


While thinking about this post over the past month since Ali's birthday – I have wondered what is the best way to describe this aspect of our life? I have kicked around a few thoughts like plate spinning - or even treading water. It gets tiring... and there are days when you feel you can't keep your head above the water. But, still you do. It's kind of like that. But then I decided that it is more like a constant undercurrent. Sometimes we are simply coasting along in smooth waters. And then there are some days you get caught in the “rip-tide” and despite your best efforts... you travel farther and farther away, fighting desperately to get back to the shore. While there are days when you see calm waters... the undercurrent is still there, waiting to resurface.


We have some really great days... and even have experienced a three-week stint of pure bliss not long ago. However most often - I would prefer to have just “average” all the time. It seems that when you have the blissful moments, any setback seems to be so much harder.


In the end... it can be very tiring. We are thankful for the support of family and close friends. There has been a constant flow of prayers for our family – and I can honestly say that I don't know where we would be without those! Are there times when I wish that Ali didn't suffer from Manic Depressive Illness? Sure I do. As a parent, I would take away anything I could that is hurtful to my children. Since that is not possible – I think it is important to come to a level of acceptance and knowledge about her illness, so that we can help her live as healthy and productive a life as possible. Knowledge is power – and I hope that in sharing our story, or this little piece of it, that we can help someone else. (Maybe someone out there won't have to spend 4 ½ years, thousands of dollars and all of the detours and side roads we ended up taking.) Ultimately though, I don't think I would change one thing about Ali... for fear we would lose some of the blessings that she brings to our family. She is so sensitive to the needs and emotions of everyone around her. She always knows when someone is hurting. She has a kindness and compassion that is unlike any I have ever seen from such a small child. In many ways she is much older than her seven years... and yet in others – she is still almost an infant. Ali has blessed our lives in ways that we cannot ever measure. And she has taught me so much more than I will ever be able to share with her.


And, lest I write this entire post without listing some of the milestones that our family has achieved. Ali has made great strides. She is diligently working with us and is very aware of how hard we are working to get her the help that she needs. I think that understanding that we are working together for her good has helped her build more trust, and more confidence. She has told me many, many times that she just can't “help” it. For her to know that we understand this – and are doing what we can do to get her that help has made a tremendous impression on Ali. She is very intelligent – and Homeschooling her has afforded us the ability to take a “break” on the days when she just isn't having a good day. On those days we do review work, computer work, watch educational videos – etc. Likewise, we double up on the days when she is feeling better. Ali's entire countenance has changed. She is more relaxed and more animated, less pensive and uptight. She seems to really enjoy herself much more on a daily basis, and we all find that we no longer have to walk on eggshells in order to keep her from falling apart several times a day. There are days when she doesn't cry one time. This is incredible when you consider that in the past this would occur between 15 and 30 times a day! It has made things easier for Ali with her brother and sisters. Ali has told me, lately that she feels so much better. She has verbalized that she is much happier, and to me, that is music to my ears! The idea that she even verbalizes this is remarkable... but these are the improvements and milestones that we see each and every day.



Finally, we have come to a point where we are beginning to find some even footing. We are thankful for the progress that we have made, and hopeful for more moderation in Ali's symptoms. In the meantime, we also try to educate ourselves (and as many people as possible) about Manic Depressive Illness in the hopes that with more knowledge, people will have a better understanding of the challenges that face not only our family, but countless others.



We are so thankful to all our family and friends for their constant support and prayers. We know that this has also helped Ali as much as anything else. And we while we know that there is still room for even more improvement - we are so thankful for the help that we have found, the team of doctors that work with us as a family and with Ali individually... and for this newfound happiness and contentment that Ali is able to enjoy. In the end... our journey to parenthood might not have gone the exact way we planned... but when it comes right down to it - I wouldn't change ONE thing.